Teaching Children Self-Regulation
One of parents' most important responsibilities is helping children learn to
govern themselves. According to experts, the best parenting combines firm
expectations and reasonable freedom for children to make their own choices.
When parents provide a good balance between rules and freedom, children learn
to act responsibly of their own free will, even when parents aren't around.
Options, Not Commands
Children have an inborn desire for independence, and wise parents respect and
respond to this need. Accordingly, children best learn how to make good choices
when they're given options within acceptable limits. Most child rearing
experts recommend that children be given as many choices as possible and
appropriate for their age level. Parents who issue orders or commands can stunt
their children's ability to make choices for themselves. Instead, parents
should look for opportunities to create options for their children, then let
them decide.
This kind of parenting shows children that their independent thoughts and
feelings are valued and matter. It also encourages children to see adults as
providers of help and guidance rather than forces of control and domination.
And, perhaps most importantly, it fosters a sense of freedom, which in turn
fosters a sense of responsibility and helps children enjoy life more.
The Power of Freedom
Studies show that as children are given freedom to make choices, they become
more willing to follow parental guidance. According to Hart and Newell, "When
children and teens are given latitude for decision-making in areas that matter
less, they are more likely to feel trusted and empowered to choose rightly and
conform to parental expectations in areas that matter more."
Parents should keep in mind their children's personalities and maturity as they
decide how much freedom to allow. Even when given reasonable freedom, some
children still feel constrained and unfree. Another child given the same amount
of freedom might feel too free. It is the perception of freedom that is so
important for parents to help their child acquire, and they need to be
sensitive to each individual child's personality in this respect.
Giving children reasonable freedom teaches them how to handle their freedom
within a safe environment. If they make mistakes, their parents are there to
explain what went wrong and to give them another chance. It's possible that
children who are given generous freedom will make more mistakes than those who
are told what to do more, but research shows that greater freedom helps
children become stronger and more mature individuals.
Age-Appropriate Independence
As children grow, they should be given more and more independence. At a young
age children can select the clothes they wear, food they eat, places to sit,
and other small decisions. Older children can have more of a say in choosing
appropriate times to be at home, when and where to study, and which friends to
associate with. The goal is to prepare children for the day they will leave
their family and live without parental control.
Practical Suggestions
Here are practical suggestions for helping children learn to govern themselves:
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Provide options and choices whenever possible. Allow choices within
reasonable limits. For example, it wouldn't be wise to give your pre-schooler
the option of going home from the park or not. Instead, when you decide it's
time to go home, ask if he wants to hop, skip, or race you to the car. Give
your older children options such as cleaning their rooms in the morning or when
they get home from school.
-
Give your children reminders and warnings. When you provide prompts, you
help your children make good choices. For example, buy them a watch with an
alarm so they won't forget when it's time to come home for dinner.
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Anticipate problems. Try to predict situations that will tempt your
children to misbehave and talk with them about it ahead of time. For example, before
you go into the grocery store, let them know you will not buy treats because it
will spoil their dinner. Reasoning with them beforehand can prevent whining and
tantrums in the check-out line.
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With older children, consult rather than command. When older children
and teenagers are faced with choices, they respond much better to discussion
and suggestions than to lectures and orders. Try these steps:
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Listen attentively and reflect back what they are feeling. ("So, it sounds to me
like you're upset because ...")
-
Use statements with "I" instead of "you." ("I don't understand why you suddenly
want to quit the team" instead of "You're just a quitter")
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Communicate your thoughts about potential options and consequences rather than
make pronouncements. ("I'm wondering how you're going to make the college team
if you quit playing ball," instead of "You won't make the college team if you
quit.")
-
Leave room for them to solve the problem themselves. ("What do you want to
happen?" "What are you going to do about this?")
Written by Megan Northrup, Research Assistant, and edited by Stephen F. Duncan,
Professor, School of Family Life, Brigham Young University.
References
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Facilitating internalization: The self-determination theory perspective.
Journal
of Personality, 62
(1), 119-142.
Hart, C. H., Newell, L. D., & Sine, L. L. (2000). Proclamation-Based
principles of parenting and supportive scholarship. In Dollahite, D. C. (Ed.)
Strengthening
Our Families: An in-depth look at the proclamation on the family
(pp.
100-123). Salt Lake City, UT: Bookcraft.
Lamborn, S. D., Mounts, N. S., Steinberg, L., & Dornbusch, S. M. (1991).
Patterns of competence and adjustment among adolescents from authoritative,
authoritarian, indulgent, and neglectful families. Child Development, 62,
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Rodgers, D. B. (1998, May), Supporting autonomy in young children. Young Children,
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Smith, C. A., Cudaback, D., Goddard, H. W., & Myers-Walls, J. (1994).
National
extension parent education model
. Manhattan, KS: Kansas Cooperative
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