Developing a Solid Marriage
A solid marriage is at the foundation of a successful stepfamily. In a
stepfamily, however, bonds between a parent and child have preceded those of
the marriage. Consequently, remarried couples need to make a special effort to
care for their relationship. There are several things that pose challenges to
the development of a successful remarriage.
Challenges Common to Many Remarried Couples
Relationships with Ex-Spouses. The presence of a former
spouse, and his or her occasional intrusion into the family, can create tension
in the marriage. If the previous marriage was ended amid hate, anger, and
resentment, these emotions can hinder the formation of a trusting new bond
unless properly addressed. If an emotional attachment remains with the
ex-spouse, this attachment will likely hinder progress of the new relationship.
The Same Old Bad Habits. Individuals may carry into the new
remarriage negative patterns of relating that led to the downfall of the
previous relationship. For example, they may have had the habit of withdrawing
from conflict rather than talking about an issue, which kept them from
addressing and solving problems in the previous marriage. Unless such a problem
is faced and fixed, it still has power to negatively affect the current
marriage.
Denial of Conflict. Remarried couples want to succeed at their
marriage. Sometimes these desires are so intense that couples deny there are
problems in their remarriage. They may have difficulty facing the possibility
of problems and the potential of divorce in their remarriage. Unless they face
the reality, couples may fail to address problems when they are manageable.
Problems with In-Laws. The extended kin network provides a
vital source of emotional and practical support to families of all kinds.
However, in a stepfamily setting, if current and former in-laws have difficulty
accepting the remarriage, they may undermine the new relationship by behaving
in rejecting ways toward the new spouse. This may place increased strain on
their marriage, especially if the couple values ongoing contact with the
expanded family.
Additional Challenges for Remarried Couples with Children
Instant Parent. For couples bringing children to the
remarriage, parental responsibilities are immediate. Because the newly married
couple is happy and hopeful about the new family, they often expect that
everyone else should be too. While there may be much optimism, the new parental
role can bring potential conflict in the family that can spill over into the
marriage. For instance, if a stepfather exercises his parental authority too
soon with his stepchildren, the biological parent may be caught in the middle
between defending her new husband and protecting her own children. In addition,
she may differ with the approach to parenting taken by the "instant" parent.
No Opportunity to Build the Marriage Prior to Having Children.
Since the couple has immediate parenting responsibilities, they lose the
opportunity to build the foundation of a successful marriage independently of
children. These parenting demands occupy a lot of attention in a stepfamily,
and if remarried couples are not wise, private time important for the vitality
of their relationship will slip away.
Intrusion of the Nonresidential Parent. The nonresidential
parent may resent the stepparent and may do things which sabotage the new
relationship. For example, a nonresidential father may choose to withhold child
support payments. In response, the stepfather may pressure his wife to restrict
visitation. Unpleasant conflicts such as these may place additional strain on
the marriage.
Pre-existing Parent-Child Relationships. Parent-child bonds
precede the new marriage. These bonds may be drawn so tightly that they may
resist the entry of a new stepparent. A stepparent may feel like an outsider
and develop resentment that in turn negatively affects the marriage.
Stepparent-Stepchild Relationships. The stepparent role is
often a most difficult one. Not only must stepparents watch themselves with
their new step-offspring, they must also operate toward the stepchildren in
ways that please their new spouse. Conflicts over discipline can spell trouble
for remarriages.
Finances. Although financial difficulties arise in
remarriages without children, they can be especially challenging when children
are involved. And it's not over how much as often as over for whom the money
should be spent. For example, a husband may have a dual responsibility of
providing for his biological children from a previous marriage as well as
meeting the financial needs of his stepchildren. Negotiating how much goes to
whom can create conflict. Resentments can arise when one family sees money they
need or could use going to another family.
Building a Solid Couple Bond
It takes a lot of time and energy to make the stepfamily household run
smoothly. In the process, remarried couples may place their own relationship on
the back burner. Here are some suggestions for helping to build a strong couple
bond.
Accept the couple relationship as the primary long-term relationship.
Realize that for the good of the marriage, the children, and the stepfamily
unit, no relationship takes precedence over your marriage relationship. It is
the couple relationship that helps the household run smoothly.
Take time to work on any problem areas. Problem areas might
include conflict, bad habits carried over from the previous marriage, or poor
communication skills. Keep the ex-spouse from interfering with your marriage or
family relationships. If problems are more challenging than you can handle on
your own, get help. Take a marriage enrichment program or seek counseling from
a competent and trusted professional.
Plan time to be alone together. Couples who grow together make
time for their relationship. Spend time to learn one thing about your spouse's
life that day, have a stress-reducing conversation at the end of each
workday, do something every day to show genuine affection and appreciation,
and have a weekly date. During special fun times together, make it a point
not to discuss family matters. Just focus on the two of you.
Decide on general household rules together. For example, hold
a family council and decide as a family who does what household chores. Invite
the participation of all family members, but the couple should maintain final
authority.
Support one another with the children. Allow your spouse to
discipline children without interference. If you do disagree about how a
situation was handled, take that matter up together privately. Don't disagree
in front of the children on disciplinary matters but present a united front.
Expect and accept different parent-child, stepparent-stepchild
relationships
. For example, a stepparent should not feel offended
or left out if a stepchild prefers to seek the advice of his or her biological
parent on an important matter. Different levels of comfort and depth of
involvement in relationships are normal. Of course, certain things like being
respectful to one parent or child and rude to others are not to be accepted.
Work out financial matters together. Whether you use a
common-pot, two-pot, or even three-pot financial arrangement, make sure you
decide these issues as a couple. Neither spouse should follow an independent
course of action. Work out a financial arrangement that you both feel good
about. For more information on dealing with financial issues in stepfamilies,
check out the book by Patricia Estess titled
"Money Advice for your
Successful Remarriage."
Written by Stephen F. Duncan, Professor, School of Family Life, Brigham Young
University