What will you bring to marriage?
Before you start packing for your honeymoon, make sure you are adequately
packed for your marriage.
The Family
Proclamation emphasizes the sacred responsibility of spouses to love and care
for one another and their children. Providing that love and care isn't always
easy, and it's critical that you are ready for your new roles.
All of us were educated about
marriage through our families of origin, for better and worse. Whether your
upbringing was healthy or not so healthy, there's always room for improvement.
As you look for a prospective spouse, or if you've already chosen one, it's a good
idea to evaluate your readiness for marriage and pack your marital bag with skills
that will help you create a successful marriage. This article will help you with
those tasks.
Personality and Temperament
Each partner brings into marriage his or her personality and
temperament. Some of these traits can't be changed, at least not very much, so
it's helpful to know yourself well enough to explain why you are the way you
are to others. When both spouses have this understanding, it's easier to accept
one another's quirks and live with them contentedly (Day, 2005).
To get to know yourself and your
personality better, take the RELATE
test or the Big Five inventory at http://www.outofservice.com/bigfive/. If you find some
things you're not happy about, remember that change is possible if you're aware
and motivated.
The Culture of Your Native Land -- Your Family
Before getting married, it's important
to check your bags for items from your native land -- your family of origin -- that
could cause problems in your new relationship and future family. A first step
is to become aware of what you learned while growing up and decide what you
want to keep.
- How did your
family deal with conflict? What is your conflict style? Do you avoid or
confront conflict?
- How did your
family solve problems? How do you solve problems? Do you like to figure out
problems on your own, or do you prefer to work things out with others as a
team?
- What was your
parents' relationship like? Did they fight often? Did they divorce? If yes,
did they remarry?
- Did violence (physical,
emotional, or sexual) or drug abuse occur in your family?
- What was your
relationship like with your mother? Your father? Your siblings?
- Did your family
experience any significant stressful events while you were growing up,
such as a death, divorce, disablement, or extended unemployment?
- Was your family
religious? If so, what religion? What is your religion?
If you come from a family of
divorce, high conflict, or abuse, you might be afraid that you're destined to
behave in the same ways. But you aren't (Larson, 2006). You can leave negative family
patterns behind and make healthier choices (Broderick, 1988). To learn more about how to
do this, read the article, Becoming a Transitional Character: Changing Your
Family Culture, found at this website.
Evaluating Your Attachment Style
Research shows that the type of
attachment -- or bond -- that you have with your parents greatly influences the
attachment you will have with your romantic partner (Ainsworth, Blehar,
Waters, & Wall 1978; Bowlby, 1994; Fraley &
Shaver, 2000). Researchers have identified three types of attachment:
avoidant, anxious, and secure (Ainsworth,
Blehar, Waters, & Wall 1978; Bowlby, 1994; Fraley
& Shaver, 2000).
- Those with avoidant
attachments are often extremely independent and might avoid intimacy
(Fraley & Shaver, 2000).
- Those with anxious attachments
may seem preoccupied with their relationships and can be very demanding
(Fraley and Shaver, 2000).
- Those with secure attachments can
confidently try new things and initiate warm relationships with others
(Fraley & Shaver, 2000).
Are you mostly avoidant, anxious,
or secure in your attachments? To improve your ability to connect to others in
healthy ways, see the "Bids for Connection" section below or the article Staying Connected
with Each Other, found
at this website. To learn more about the effects of
your early attachment on your romantic relationships, see the expanded version
of Bonding with Your Infant, also at this website.
Checking Your ID -- Identity and Self-Worth
Just as a passport lets you to
travel to other countries, feeling secure about yourself helps you successfully
travel into other people's worlds. A secure sense of who you are helps you be
more accommodating, more forgiving, and more able to reconcile after conflict
(Kumashiro et al., 2002).
The Family
Proclamation reminds us that "all human beings|male and female| are created
in the image of God. Each is a beloved spirit son or daughter of Heavenly
Parents, and, as such, each has a divine nature and destiny." So, while your
worth is inherent and can never be destroyed or diminished (Dollahite, 2000), your family history can influence your sense of
self-worth (Carroll, et al., 2006).
Researcher L'Abate says that when
you're emotionally healthy, you believe that your needs and worth are as important
as someone else's. You're willing to sacrifice for others, but you're not
willing to be taken advantage of, and you don't completely forget your own
needs - you just put them on the back burner (L'Abate & Baggett, 1997). Here
are suggestions for improving your sense of self worth:
- Pray to perceive
God's love for you and the value and potential he sees in you.
Checking
Your Capacity to Love -- Other Centeredness and Virtue
Getting married is the end of
your days flying solo. If you haven't learned how to take others' needs into
consideration, your marriage will suffer (Fowers, 2000). Being "other centered"
includes being generous and forgiving toward your partner, abilities that help
sustain a long-term commitment (Carroll, 2006).
As one researcher put it, "The
emotional climate of marriage matters.... If spouses have a reservoir of good
will and they show their affection regularly, they are far more likely to be
able to work through their differences" (Huston & Melz, 2004, p. 955).
We often think of the word "virtue"
narrowly, but marriage researchers think of it as a broad way of being that
includes goodness, kindness, and loyalty. Fowers describes four virtues that help
us become other-centered -- friendship, loyalty, generosity, and fairness.
- The virtue of friendship. Fowers
says that the kind of friendship needed for marriage is "character friendship"
(2000). People in a character friendship think of themselves as partners on the
same team and do things together that grow out of their share interests and
values. For more ideas on cultivating friendship in marriage, see the article Nurturing Friendship
in Marriage at
this website.
- The virtue of loyalty. The bond of loyalty holds
marriages, friendships, and families together through the tough times. This
bond is made up of "hundreds of tiny threads which sew people together through
the years" (Simone Signoret, as cited by Fowers, 2000, p. 145). People who are
loyal to one another keep each other's confidences and can be depended on to honor
commitments and be supportive when needed.
- The virtue of generosity. Both partners in a marriage will
make mistakes, and generosity can help repair them. Generosity helps us see
past the negative in others and recognize the positive. Fowers says we can act
generously by:
- Seeing the best in others.
- Expressing gratitude to others rather than catching them in
mistakes.
- Letting others know we appreciate them.
- Giving others the benefit of the doubt by assuming good motives,
even if they have hurt us.
- Not taking small slights personally.
- Remembering the times we ourselves have been forgiven.
- Avoiding brooding over transgressions against us.
- Giving of ourselves by listening, offering compassion when others
are suffering, and offering small gifts of service.
- The virtue of fairness. Partners
in a strong relationship don't split everything equally but rather understand
that each partner contributes in different ways. "[Fairness] in marriage means
being able to recognize your own and your spouse's particular capabilities and
limitations and arrange your marriage so that these inequalities contribute to
your relationship rather than create discord between you" (Fowers, 2000, p.
188). For more ideas on creating a fair marriage, see Equal Partnership in Marriage at
this website.
Do You Speak the Language?
Effective Communication
Just as you might travel abroad for
your honeymoon, you might find marriage a lot like entering another country. In
both situations, you need good communication. Marriage researcher John Gottman divides
communication patterns into four areas.
The
Start-up
When a couple encounters bumps
along the road, they need to talk about them. "Harsh start-ups" typically begin
with blaming or criticizing. If you want to nurture your relationship, says
Gottman, avoid blame and criticism (Gottman & Silver, 1999, p. 161) and
instead:
- Describe without judgment. Explain the problem objectively so that
the other person doesn't feel attacked.
- Be clear. No one can read your mind, so explain
the problem precisely and clearly.
- Be polite. Remember to say please and thank you.
- Be appreciative. Express your appreciation for
what the other person does well and has done well in the past.
- Don't store things up. Whenever possible, bring up
problems at the time they're happening or soon after.
Repair Attempts
Anytime we try to resolve
conflict, tempers can flare. If this happens, use communication "brakes" to
repair the situation. For example, if anger and criticism are escalating, try
injecting some humor or giving your partner a goofy smile. Memorizing
de-escalation phrases also can help. Here is a list adapted from Gottman's The
Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work:
- I feel blamed; can you rephrase that?
- Can I take back what I said?
- I see what you are saying.
- I agree with part of that.
- One thing I admire about you is ...
- We are getting off track.
For more information on handling conflict, see the article Handling Conflict in
Marriage at
this website.
Five
Positives for Every Negative (Gottman & Silver, 1999)
Gottman has found that happy
couples, when they're discussing a problem, have five positive interactions for
every one negative interaction. When packing, be sure to include five nice
things to say for every one not-so-nice stowaway. For information about
building more positive relationships, see the article Building a Fondness
and Admiration System at this website.
Bids for Connection (Gottman &
DeClaire, 2001)
Every day each of us sends out hundreds
of "bids" for connection to friends, family members, dates, and even strangers
in line at the grocery store. Bids can be verbal or nonverbal, funny or serious,
physical or intellectual. A clear bid sounds like this: "I miss you. Can we get
together tonight?" An unclear bid sounds like this: "What are you doing
tonight?" When your bids are clear, it's easier to get what you want. When
they're not clear or they're delivered with a mixed message, they can cause the
other person to become defensive.
Sometimes bids are fuzzy or
offensive because the bidder is trying to avoid rejection, can't admit he is seeking
connection, or simply doesn't know how to clearly bid for the connection he
needs.
Gottman says it's important to
see past people's anger or fear, then recognize and turn towards their bids as
often as possible. Consistently turning towards bids, even if they're clumsy, builds
a solid foundation for relationships.
Turning away bids causes people
to suppress feelings and become hostile. For more information on bids for connection,
see the article Staying Connected with Each
Other at this website.
Important Issues for You and Your
Potential Traveling Companion
Making
Good Choices
As you embark on the marriage
journey, you can make many choices as a couple that will improve your chances for
a happy and lasting marriage. Research shows that following the
principles below can
significantly improve the odds that your marriage will last (Bramlett, &
Mosher, 2002):
- Postpone
children until after marriage.
- Marry at an
older age, about 22 to 25 years old.
- Don't cohabit.
- Affiliate with a
religion.
- Get a college
education.
- Have an adequate
income before marrying.
Understanding
One Another's Values
Prospective spouses should
thoroughly discuss the values that matter to each. You should agree on core
values and on most other values. Consider the following values and how each of
you would answer the questions (Larson, 2000):
- Importance of
marriage.
Is marriage the most important thing in life, or are other things, such as
career or hobbies, just as important or more important? If you were having
marital problems, would you consider divorce an option?
- Gender roles. Do you have a traditional
view of the roles of husband and wife or a more egalitarian view?
- Importance of careers. Do you believe
both spouses should work? When children come along, will one of you stop
working to care for them?
- Importance of
material wealth. How important is it to you to have plenty of money
and nice clothes, cars, trips, and "toys"?
- Individuality
and privacy. Do
you need a lot of time alone, or do you prefer to do most things with your
partner? Do you need someone at your side every waking moment?
- Sexual intimacy.
What
are your expectations about the importance and frequency of sex?
- Family planning.
How soon do you
want to begin having children? How many you should have? How far apart
they should be spaced? What are your preferred methods of birth control? If
an unplanned pregnancy occurred, would you consider abortion?
- Couple
boundaries.
What kind of things should be kept just between you? What kind of things is
it okay to discuss with friends or family?
- Importance of
religion.
What are your religious or spiritual beliefs and how important are they to
you?
- Background
similarity.
How similar or different are you in race, religion, socioeconomic status,
education level, intelligence, and age? The more differences you have in
these areas, the more you will need to negotiate and compromise.
More Resources
Other resources for helping you evaluate
and build your marriage readiness include:
- The RELATE
Institute questionnaires READY and RELATE. READY is a
test that measures your readiness in the areas discussed in this article.
It takes about an hour. RELATE is a couple's version of READY that gives
you a report about your strengths and weaknesses as a couple.
- The
Forever Families article The Case for Marriage Preparation
helps
couples choose a marriage preparation program.
- PEPARE-ENRICH is one of many
programs designed to help you evaluate your relationship and prepare for
marriage.
- Larson
also wrote the Forever Families article Important Factors to
Consider Before Taking the Marriage Plunge, which includes
excerpts from his book.
Written by Rachael Baguley Shaw, Research
Assistant, and edited by Jason Carroll and Stephen F. Duncan, Professors in the
School of Family Life, Brigham Young University.
References
Ainsworth, M. D. S., Blehar, M., Waters, E.,
& Wall, S. (1978). Patterns of attachment: A
psychological study of the strange situation. Hillsdale, NJ: Erlbaum.
Bowlby, J. (1994). The making and breaking
of affectional bonds. New York: Routledge.
Bramlett, M. D., & Mosher, W.
D. (2002). Cohabitation, marriage, divorce, and remarriage in the United States. Vital and Health Statistics, 23 (22). Hyattsville, MD: National Center for Health Statistics.
Broderick, C. (1988). Marriage and the family.
Englewood Cliffs, NJ: Prentice Hall.
Carroll, J. S., Badger, S., & Yang, C.
(2006). The ability to negotiate or the ability to love? Evaluating
the developmental domains of marital competence. Journal of Family Issues,
27(7), 1001-1032.
Dollahite, D. C. (2000). Strengthening our
families. Salt Lake City: Deseret Book Company.
Fowers, B. J. (2000). Beyond the myth of
marital happiness. San Francisco: Jossey-Bass.
Fraley, R. C., & Shaver, P. R. (2000).
Adult romantic attachment: Theoretical developments, emerging controversies,
and unanswered questions. Review of General Psychology, 4(2), 132-154.
Gottman, J. M., & DeClaire, J. (2001). The
relationship cure: A 5 step guide to strengthening your marriage,
family and friendships. New York: Three Rivers Press.
Gottman, J. M. (1999). The marriage
clinic: A scientifically based marital therapy. New York: W.W. Norton &
Company.
Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (1999). The
seven principles for making marriage work. New York: Three Rivers Press.
Huston, T. L., & Melz, H. (2004). The
case for (promoting) marriage: The devil is in the details. Journal of Marriage and Family, 66(4), 862-879.
Kumashiro, M., Finkel, E. J., & Rusbult,
C. E. (2002). Self-respect and pro-relationship behavior in marital
relationship. Journal of Personality, 70(6), 1009-1049.
L'Abate, L., & Baggett, M.
(1997). The self in the family. Canada: John Wiley & Sons, Inc.
Larson, J. H. (2000). Should we stay
together? San Francisco: Jossey-Bass.