Parenting is a sacred and honorable duty. The Family: A
Proclamation to the World states that parents have the sacred duty of rearing
their children in love and righteousness. This includes guiding adolescents
away from risky behaviors.
Risk Behaviors
Three common risk behaviors that parents
worry about among their teens include sexual activity, delinquency, and
substance use. Participating in these behaviors can lead to a number of poor
outcomes in the later years. Unfortunately, the media have glamorized each of
these behaviors so that they are now considered normal during adolescence. The
good news is that parents can counteract the negative messages from the media
in these areas.
Authoritative Parenting
According to research, the best way for
parents to help decrease risky behaviors in their youth is to adopt an authoritative
or actively involved parenting style. Authoritative parents aim for balance of
the three Ls: love, limits, and latitude.
- Love
your teenager.
Show your teenager son that you love him. Be affectionate. Hug your daughter,
provide a shoulder to cry on, comfort her when she has had a tough day. When
you need to correct your teen, do so in a loving manner. For example, if Dave
brings a report card home with A's and B's and one D, express your joy in the
A's and B's and patiently inquire about the D. Avoid lecturing and being coercive.
Instead, discuss ways that he can bring that D to a better grade and listen to
his ideas. Support him as he follows through on the commitment he made with
you. Connect with your teen through acceptance. Rather than angrily rejecting Brandon's desire to form a band, support his desire and go to his performances. Enjoy
shared activities like a game of basketball with Ben or going to an ice cream
shop with Susan. Let your teenager know that you care for him and desire to be
there anytime he needs you. Love is the foundation of authoritative parenting;
allow it to guide your interactions with your teenager.
- Set
limits.
Teenagers need appropriate boundaries. Use your teen's temperament to figure
out how best to set limits. Hart (2003) used this analogy:
"In that way,
parenting is like riding a horse. For some children parents may need to hold
the reigns tighter. Other children may require less parental steering. And with
some children, holding the reigns too tightly may only lead to defiance.
Knowing when to let up on the reigns and when to tighten your grip takes a lot
of creativity. . ." (p. 2).
Rather than set rules
on the spot, agree upon rules with your teenager ahead of time and let them
know clearly what you expectations are. Remember that the less rules the
better. When these rules are broken, be firm. If Johnny comes home 30 minutes
after his curfew, lovingly remind him of the rule and the punishment previously
agreed on. Then, take the keys for a week. Limits provide boundaries and
guidelines for your teenager when they are clear and consistent. Your teenager
will learn to regulate herself with your help.
- Provide
latitude.
Teenagers are growing up fast. They are seeking independence and autonomy. You
can foster this growth by providing choices for your teen. When you realize
that something needs to change because Lucy is spending too much time with her
friends and not enough time on her homework, take her out to get a soda and
tell her your concerns. Listen to what she has to say and find a balance. Allow
her to make the decision while sticking to the rules that have already been put
in place. Teenagers do best when they are given the chance to make decisions.
When Joe suddenly wants to quit playing the tuba that he has been playing since
he was eight and you want him to continue to develop his talent, find a
creative solution. Advise him to wait a few months and if he still feels the
same then he can stop the lessons. These choices prepare your teen for when
they do become adults. They also encourage them to reason through the decisions
that they make on a regular basis, like whether to smoke marijuana or not.
Above all else, love your teenager when they do make decisions that you do not
agree with.
Along with the above guidelines, the following
ideas may also discourage risky behaviors:
- Encourage
education.
Explain and emphasize the importance of completing school. Encourage attendance
and good grades as well as talk about college. Attend school functions and get
to know the teachers, classes, and the homework assignments.
- Share
your values.
This can be done formally or informally. When John wanted to go on a walk with
some friends, Shannon, his mother, cautioned him against doorbell ditching,
explaining to him that this can be disruptive, especially to those families
with young children and older adults. Explain why you feel that substances are
a danger. Describe how mind altering drugs can affect the teen's decision
making. Emphasize the addictive nature and dangerous side effects of using
substances. Share with your teen how you feel about early sex and what brought
you to that conclusion. Emphasize the negative social aspects of engaging in
teen sex and express the positives of waiting. Talk about what your own
decision was and how this effected your teenage years. Discuss that the popular
beliefs and the seemingly good things that arise out of teenage sex are false
and explain that they do not accurately depict what truly happens to a teenager
when they engage in sexual intercourse. Sharing your own values warmly will
encourage your teen to internalize these values. Formal and informal sharing is
important as the teen continues to mature.
- Have
regular family dinners. Teenagers need routines. Set aside a time each night for
family dinner. Use the opportunity of good food to inquire into your teen's
life. Find out if anything is worrying them, things they are struggling with,
what things they enjoy, and how school is going. Use the time to discuss the
importance of school, higher education, and your own values. Family dinners
ensure that you are home with your teen at the right time. Connect with your
teen. Talking with them while preparing dinner will open communication
boundaries because of the informal manner. Take advantage of your teenager
being home by encouraging their good behavior and expressing how proud you are
of them. Be aware of your teen's activities, friends, and life in general.
Your teen wants to know that you are aware of what is going on in his life.
Female teens need the emotional support you can provide through routines,
affection, and identifying with what is happening with their lives in terms of
friends and school. Male teens also need affection and identification. Males
also need to have their parents home at key times, like after school, social
events, and dates. Regularly talk with your teen about sex. As a parent,
you can either be demeaning or inviting in your discussions. A parent that is
demeaning, when asked questions about sex, will respond with accusations and
lectures. An inviting parent when asked questions, will respond with honesty,
warmth, and engage their teenager in a two-way discussion about the question.
Be open and share your own personal values about sexual activity. At the same
time, use the discussions to monitor your teenager's activities. Ask questions
and stay tuned to who your teen is hanging out with, where they are going, and
what your expectations are when they leave the house. Discuss the negative
social consequences of having sex. This includes a bad reputation and that
people will know. Help your teen know that engaging in sexual activities will
not increase her popularity. Be responsive and make your teen feel comfortable
by not judging, labeling, or accusing him of participating in the very
activities he has questions about. Be straight with your teen, avoid being
preachy.
- Encourage
religion.
Dean (2005) states that "highly religious teenagers appear to be doing much better
in life than less religious teenagers" (p. 7). She offers four resources in
fostering religious behavior. First, a creed to believe. Worship, music, bible
study, and seminary are oft stated tools that teenagers rely upon. Second, a
place to belong. Belonging to a congregation and involving the family allow
teenagers to connect to a group which will provide them with support for the
wise decisions they desire to make. Third, a call to live out. Teenagers who
have this do not see a division between Sunday and Monday; they look forward to
youth leadership; or plan on serving a mission in the future. Fourth, a hope to
build onto. This includes progress. Encourage your teenager in each of these
areas by going to church with them. Your influence will guide them as they
decide whether they want religion apart of their life or not.
- Be
aware of your teen's friends and their friends' belief systems. Aside from parents,
teens glean their values from their friends. Find out who their friends are and
what their friends are doing. Invite your teen's friends to your house in order
for you to get to know them. Encourage extracurricular activities that will
introduce your teenager to good friends. Pressure to be good is a lot easier to
manage than pressure to be act out.
Additional Reading
Hart, C. H., Newell, L. D., & Frost, S.
F. (2003). Parenting skills and social-communicative competence in childhood. In J. O. Greene & B. R. Burleson (Eds.), Handbook of
Communication and Social Interaction Skill (pp. 753-797). Mahwah, NJ: Lawrence
Erlbaum Associates.
Smith, C. & Denton, M. (2005). Soul searching:
The religious and spiritual lives of American teenagers. New York: Oxford
University Press.
Web Links
http://casafamilyday.org/familyday/contact-us/
http://www.answers.com/topic/parent-child-relationships?cat=health
http://www.heritage.org/research/family/bg2194.cfm#_ftnref31
http://www.troubledwith.com/ParentingTeens/SexualActivity.cfm
http://www.tyc.state.tx.us/prevention/family_life.html
Written by Amber Turner, Research Assistant,
and edited by Laura Padilla-Walker and Stephen F. Duncan, Professors in the
School of Family Life, Brigham Young University.
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