Marriage enrichment pioneer David Mace once remarked, "Marriage is the
deepest and potentially the most gratifying of all human relationships, but it
is also one of the most demanding. Unfortunately couples seldom have more
preparation than a little advice from their parents and a new set of
china."
With the risk for divorce in the United States hovering around 40-50%, it's
startling that so few people take marriage preparation seriously. One study
showed that only 30% participated in even one to two hours of marriage
preparation. A 1997 U.S. national survey showed that only 36 percent of couples
married in the previous five years had premarital counseling through their
religious organization. Recent studies of college young adults show that more
than 90 percent say they believe marriage preparation is important but only 35%
intend to formally prepare.
Marriage can be one of life's sweetest ventures, but it is also one of the
riskiest. Couples and communities are wise to invest in and support active
preparation for marriage.
Common Problem Areas
Many young couples' expectations of marriage revolve around the false belief
that love will get them through rough times. While love is important, it won't
be enough if couples don't have the basic attitudes and skills they need for a
successful marriage. Lasting marriages require partners who respect one
another, who have gained knowledge about what makes marriage work, and who have
developed skills that will enhance the relationship.
Most couples face their most serious challenges during the first five years
of marriage. The top ten problem areas researchers have identified are:
- Balancing job and family
- Frequency of sexual relations
- Debt brought into marriage
- Husband's employment
- Finances
- Expectations about household tasks
- Constant bickering
- Communication with spouse
- Problems with parents or in-laws
- Lack of time spent together
Through conscious marriage preparation, many of these issues can be
discussed and plans can be made to handle them so they don't become toxic to an
early marriage.
What Is Marriage Preparation?
Marriage preparation is training through courses, seminars, or counseling
that prepares couples for a successful marriage. Training often focuses on
developing skills such as communication, handling conflict, solving problems,
and making decisions. It might also include help in developing the knowledge,
attitudes, expectations, and characteristics that are important to creating a
satisfying relationship.
An important purpose of marriage preparation is to help each partner assess
his or her personal readiness for marriage. It can also help couples become
aware of the assets and liabilities of their relationship, which are important
factors in deciding who and when to marry. As they evaluate these factors,
couples have a chance to slow things down and think seriously about their
relationship. In other words, premarital education allows couples to plan their
marriage rather than just a wedding.
Goals of marriage preparation often include developing skills in the
following areas: communication, friendship, commitment to the relationship,
intimacy, and problem solving. Instruction usually includes applying these
skills to such issues as family of origin and individual backgrounds, conflict,
finances, leisure and recreational interests, role expectations, couple
interaction patterns, sexuality and affection, fun and friendship, expectations
about children and parenting, decision-making, education/career goals and
expectations, religious or spiritual values and expectations, and plans for the
wedding.
Benefits of Marriage Preparation
Is marriage preparation effective? Research says yes. According to Dr. Jason
Carroll and Dr. William J. Doherty, couples who participate in premarital
programs experience a 30% increase in marital success over those who do not
participate. They report improved communication, better conflict management
skills, higher dedication to one's mate, greater emphasis on the positive
aspects of a relationship, and improved overall relationship quality. These
benefits appear to hold for six months to three years after the program is
over. These benefits also extend to couples who enter marriage with greater
risks, such as coming from homes where parents had divorced or had high levels
of conflict.
Research also shows that marriage preparation can help prevent divorce.
Sometimes this prevention comes from strengthening relationship quality. Other
times preparation raises red flags that prevent a marriage from occurring in
the first place. In one program called PREPARE, 10% to 15% of couples decided
not to marry because they became aware of problems that persuaded them the
relationship would not last.
Participating in premarital education is both fun and informative. People
learn many things about their potential spouse that they never even thought to
consider. They often have eye-opening experiences that can be both enlightening
and humorous. Discussing topics like household chores, in-laws, employment, and
sexual relations helps couples identify one another's expectations. It also
helps couples discover areas of disagreement before they get married. Sometimes
these discussions uncover information that a future spouse is involved in
behavior that will be destructive to the marriage relationship - critical
information to know before marriage.
As couples carefully discuss the issues that come up in their preparation,
they often come to appreciate their future spouse more. Some realize he or she
is not the right person to marry. With either outcome, premarital preparation
will have been a success.
Dr. Stephen Duncan of Brigham Young University provides a personal example
of the benefits of marriage preparation - in this case unintentional
preparation:
During my master's program, I took an "Introduction to Marriage and
Family Therapy" course. One assignment was to attend five
"enrichment" sessions with a partner. The partner could be anyone,
but immediately I thought of several women I knew. I decided to ask Barbara.
Barbara and I had been friends for over a year and just recently felt
attracted to one another. I assured Barbara that the enrichment experience was
just for a class, for "science," I joked. She agreed to participate.
During the first session, we explored our families. We mapped out our
families on the chalkboard and described the relationships we had with each
member. Our first assignment was to go out and get to know each other.
We talked for hours about our families and backgrounds. We spent the next
day together too, having dinner with her grandparents and father, who just
happened to be in town.
The sessions helped us get to know each other from the inside out. We also
benefited from the hour-long ride to and from the university, when we talked
about many important matters.
Through this assignment I gained something far more important and valuable
than an A on the paper. Barbara and I became engaged and married a few months
afterward. This unintentional premarital counseling experience set the stage
for understanding, kindness, consideration, friendship, and sharing that
continues to be an important part of our very satisfying 21-year marriage.
General preparation. General programs can benefit anyone, whether
they're in a relationship or want to prepare for being in a relationship.
They're offered through high schools, colleges, faith communities, and adult
community education courses. Some programs focus on attitudes and expectations
while others focus on developing specific skills such as communication,
handling conflict, solving problems, and making decisions. For a list of some
of the best-known and best-researched programs, see the Forever Families article,
Strengthening Marriage Through Marriage Enrichment Programs.
Premarital counseling. Clergy, professional health workers, and
physicians (Stahman & Hiebert, 1997, p. 39) are the three main providers of
premarital counseling. A good portion of premarital counseling occurs in a
church setting, usually overseen by the denominational leader. Some faiths
require specific preparation before a couple can be married by clergy of that
faith. For example, they might require:
- Three to six months of marriage preparation.
- Counseling sessions with clergy or other counselors.
- General classes about marriage and divorce.
- Participation in a weekend marriage seminar.
A major benefit of premarital counseling is that couples establish a
relationship with someone they can consult to help them solve marital problems
later on if needed (Stanley, 2001, p. 275).
Books. Reading a good book is a fun and practical way to gain
knowledge about marriage. Some books take a religious standpoint and others do
not. Several are based on the life experiences of others. Fewer are based on
scientific research. Good information is available from any of these types of
books, but make sure any particular book is based on reliable information and
is supportive of your personal values. The following is a list of books based
on scientific research:
- The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, by
John M. Gottman & Nan Silver, 1999
- Why Marriages Succeed or Fail . . . and How You Can
Make Yours Last, by John Gottman & Nan Silver,1995
- Should We Stay Together: A Scientifically Proven Method
For Evaluating Your Relationship and Improving Its Chances for Long-Term
Success , by Jeffry H. Larson, 2000
- Fighting for Your Marriage: Positive Steps for
Preventing Divorce and Preserving Lasting Love , by Howard Markman,
Scott Stanley, & Susan Blumberg, 2001
- Empowering Couples: Building on Your Strengths, by
David H. Olson & Amy K. Olson, 2000
Relationship Questionnaires. Questionnaires or surveys can offer
valuable insights to couples preparing for marriage. They help uncover
strengths and weaknesses and identify areas where improvement is needed. Some
of these programs charge a minimal fee.
- The RELATionship Evaluation (RELATE) Questionnaire
covers every major predictor of marital quality. It provides an
illustrated report covering more than 60 aspects of the relationship. http://www.relate-institute.org.
It can be completed within about one hour.
- FOCCUS asks 189 questions, then produces a couple
profile. It is available in four editions: General, Christian
Non-Denominational, Catholic, and Alternate (for learning impaired). http://www.foccusinc.com
- PREPARE requires that couples locate a counselor in
their area trained in this program. The counselor administers the
195-question test and provides three to six counseling sessions based on
the test results. http://www.lifeinnovations.com
Deciding Which Type of Premarital Education Is Best for You
The following questions can help you decide which type of program is best
for you.
- Am I less self-motivated and/or do I learn best by
listening to others (an "audible" learner)? If yes, a
pre-marriage seminar or pre-marital counselor may be your best option.
- Do I enjoy reading and/or am I a visual learner? If yes,
reading books and completing an online relationship evaluation may be a
good choice.
- Do I want my preparation to have a religious component? If
yes, talk with a member of your clergy to see what programs your church
provides.
Some couples may want to participate in all three types or programs so they
can receive a wide range of training.
Conclusion
Churches, synagogues, and communities can help premarital preparation be
more successful. When couples see their marriages as a holy union that is
accepted by a supreme being, they have a solid foundation to build on.
Likewise, when the community shows support for premarital prevention efforts,
couples feel that others want their marriage to succeed.
Whatever form of premarital education you choose, make sure you practice and
make the most of your experience. The more you learn before you get married,
the more smoothly your relationship will go when you do get married.
Written by Jeremy Boyle, Research Assistant, and edited by Stephen F.
Duncan, Professor, School of Family Life, Brigham Young University.
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