Our country is more health-conscious than ever. Millions seek out a variety
of health assessments, ranging from simple blood pressure checks to a thorough
analysis of blood chemistry. The result: America's health is better than ever.
Not so for marriages. While divorce rates have declined somewhat in recent
years, couples getting married today still have a 40% or better chance of
divorcing. Marriage is more risky than mountain climbing, more risky than sky
diving, even more risky than bungee jumping!
"We believe that marriage is the most risky undertaking routinely taken
on by the greatest number of people in our society," write Howard Markman,
Scott Stanley, and Susan Blumberg in their book, Fighting FOR Your Marriage.
Many exercisers regularly check their pulse rate during workouts to make
sure it stays within a healthy range. Is there a way to routinely take the
"pulse" of your marriage--to check on the health of your relationship
and thus reduce the risk of divorce? Markman and his colleagues say there is.
They recommend weekly "couple meetings."
What's the Premise of a Couple Meeting?
Few couples regularly talk about relationship concerns, so what begin as
small issues tend to become larger problems that threaten to destroy a
relationship. Couple meetings can nip problems in the bud.
What's a Couple Meeting?
A couple meeting is a regular time a couple spends together each week
discussing their problems, solving their problems, and planning ways to nurture
their relationship. Here's how it works:
1.
Plan a time. First, plan a specific time each week when you and your
partner can talk alone together for at least thirty minutes without
distractions or interruptions. Turn off the TV, don't answer the telephone, and
make sure the kids are occupied. For one couple, the time that works best is
8:30 on Sunday evenings, after the children have gone to bed (or at least have
gone to their rooms for the night). Another time may be better for you. Carving
out a fixed, unchangeable time for the protection of your relationship is a
tangible way to give your marriage high priority.
2.
Discuss problems first. Use the meeting to take stock of how the
relationship is going and to discuss problems. When focusing on a problem, work
through "problem discussion" first and "problem solution"
second. In problem discussion, each partner gets a chance to be a speaker and a
listener. The speakers uses "I-statements" to express concerns
("I was upset when you forgot our date last week"). The listener
focuses on the speaker's message and, after every two or three sentences,
paraphrases what he or she heard the speaker say--without rebuttal ("It
upset you that I spaced out our date"). When the speaker is satisfied that
the listener has understood his or her feelings, the partners switch roles and
repeat the process.
About 70% of couple issues don't need to be solved,
just well discussed, say Markman and his colleagues. You may find that simply
airing a concern until both partners fully understand solves the problem. If it
doesn't, move on to problem solution--but only after you're both satisfied that
you've fully discussed the issue.
3.
Solve problems second, using a four-step process. The first step in
problem solution is agenda setting. During this step, decide what
problem or portion of a problem you're going to work on during a particular
couple meeting. A sample problem is finding a way to boost family income.
The second step is brainstorming. During
brainstorming both partners list as many possible solutions as they can. For
the family income problem, the list might include one or both partners getting
a part-time job, the main breadwinner looking for a higher-paying position, and
older children contributing to income with paper routes, babysitting, mowing
lawns, etc.
In the third step, agreement and compromise,
a couple decides on one of the solutions. For the family income problem, the
couple might decide that one of them will get a part-time job. They then would
pick a specific future couple meeting to go to the fourth step, follow-up,
when they will discuss whether the solution is working or whether further
problem solving is needed.
Plan Relationship Nurturing During Your Couple Meetings
Couple meetings focused entirely on problems may become drudgery. Be sure to
include time in your meeting for planning activities to nurture your
relationship. Plan time for doing the things that brought you together in the
first place, such as having fun together (a regular "date night" is a
must for most healthy relationships), talking as friends, working on a project
together or being intimate. Protect these times from any discussion of
problems.
For more information on couple meetings and other ideas that can strengthen
your relationship, check out Fighting FOR Your Marriage by Howard
Markman, Scott Stanley, and Susan Blumberg.
Written by Stephen F. Duncan, Professor, School of Family Life, Brigham Young University.
References
Markman, H. J., Stanley, S. M., & Blumber, S. L. (2001).
Fighting for your marriage. San Francisco: Jossey-Bass