Raising
teens in today's world can be a daunting challenge. They're vulnerable to
dangers that lurk around many corners, whether the corner is at home or miles
away.
Dangers to
younger children are mostly centered near home. As children get older, the
dangers multiply and become harder to anticipate. Parents often feel helpless
because they can't keep up the same level of vigilance as they could when their
children were smaller. Teen children cannot be in sight at all moments.
With teens,
a different kind of vigilance is needed. Call it "monitoring" or
"keeping tabs," but don't think it requires any less effort. Parents
can -- and must - watch over their teens with continuing vigilance. The older
the child, the more your monitoring will become oversight rather than direct
sight, but it is just as important.
Monitoring
means supervising your teens. It means knowing your teens' whereabouts at all
times, who they spend time with, and all their social plans. It also includes
being aware of your teenager's behavior when he or she is not in your sight,
such as during school hours.
Monitoring
children has become more difficult. The higher number of single parents and
mothers in the workforce mean fewer parents are at home before and after
school, leaving more children unsupervised. Fewer adult neighbors are at home
to lend a watchful eye. Even when neighbors are home, neighborliness has
declined, resulting in less looking out for one another's children.
Despite the
increasing challenges, monitoring is one of the most important things a parent
can do to prevent adolescent problem behavior. Research shows that better
parental monitoring is related to lower rates of sexual activity, drug and alcohol
use, truancy, thoughts about suicide and suicide attempts, running away and
delinquency. One study showed that only 8 percent of ninth graders whose
parents monitored their activities closely were likely to have had five
alcoholic drinks in a row during the past month, compared with 68 percent of
ninth graders whose parents didn't keep close tabs on them. A similar trend was
noted for sexual activity.
To be an
effective monitor, you don't need to be present at every moment. You also don't
have to become overly intrusive or violate the privacy that teens typically
crave. You do need to show consistent and active interest in your child's life.
And you do need to be willing to enforce family rules and raise issues that
concern you.
In one
family a dispute came up when the 14-year-old daughter told her parents she
wanted to go to a high school dance. Her parents thought she was too young, and
they proposed that instead she give a party at their house. She thought that
was a dumb idea, but she couldn't come up with an alternative that both she and
her parents felt good about. Since they couldn't agree, family rules dictated
that she go by her parents' wishes. She gave the party. To her surprise, she
and her friends had a great time.
We have
three teens in our family. We monitor our children using the "Where? Who?
What? When?" rule. The rule, simply stated, is this: "When you wish
to leave the house, we insist on knowing where you are going, who you are going
to be with, what you will be doing, and when you will be home." Violation
of the rule invokes the agreed-upon consequence: losing the privilege of
leaving the Duncan home for fun with friends for a specified time.
When you
monitor your young teens this closely they might put up a fuss. Older teens
might accuse you of being overly suspicious or of distrusting them. Don't pay
any attention. Stay positive, smile, and insist on keeping tabs on them. It
takes courage and strength to stick to your monitoring guns and enforce your
rules, but the rewards are immense.
For Further
Reading...
Steinberg,
L. D., & Levine, A. (1997). You and your adolescent: A parent's guide
for ages 10-20. New York: HarperInformation.
Written
by Stephen F. Duncan, Professor, School of Family Life, Brigham Young University.
References
Jacobson, K.
C., & Crockett, L. J. (2000). Parental monitoring and adolescent
adjustment: An ecological perspective. Journal of Research on Adolescence,
10, 65-97.
Small, S.
A., & Bogenschneider, K. (1995). Teen assessment project. University
of Wisconsin-Extension Service.