It
was a beautiful spring morning as Todd leaned over to wake up his wife with a
soft kiss.
"Good
morning sweetheart," he said.
A
smile formed across Sarah's tired face. She crawled out of bed and into the
shower. Meanwhile, Todd began making eggs and toast for Sarah and their three
school-aged children. Just as Sarah came down the stairs, she heard Todd yell,
"The school bus is here!" The kids rushed past Sarah, grabbed their school
gear, and ran out the door.
Sarah
entered the kitchen to find Todd wolfing down his breakfast. "I'll be late for
work," he said. He reached over to touch her arm -- and spilled orange juice down
his clean dress shirt.
"I'll
clean it up, honey. Go change your shirt," said Sarah.
"Thanks,"
said Todd. "I have that important meeting today. Oh, and the dishwasher still
isn't working." A few minutes, later Sarah met Todd at the door, gave him a
warm hug, and sent him on his hurried way.
Realistic
Expectations vs. Unrealistic Expectations
Couples
like Todd and Sarah realize that their life together is more than the romantic
image portrayed in so many books, movies, and television shows. Just as the
most beautiful roses have ordinary leaves, brown stems, and thorns, the
happiest and most fulfilling marriages come with busy schedules, spilled orange
juice, and broken dishwashers.
Couples often go into marriage with the expectation that everything will be
perfect. But good marriages take daily effort. John Gottman, a leading marriage
scholar, says that marriage is not maintained through extravagant vacations or
lavish gifts (Gottman & Silver, 1999). Instead, happy couples keep their
love alive and stay connected to one another through small, everyday acts.
This
article explores five ways researchers have found that couples can stay
connected through these ordinary acts of kindness.
Turn
Toward Each Other
When
two people are married, says Gottman, they "often make 'bids' for their
partner's attention, affection, humor, or support. People either turn toward
one another after these bids or they turn away. Turning toward each other
is the basis of emotional connection, romance, passion, and a good life"
(Gottman & Silver, 1991, p. 80, emphasis added).
For
example, when a busy wife knows that her husband is having a bad day, she can
take a moment to leave a few words of encouragement on his voicemail. When a
harried husband hears his wife say, "The greatest thing happened today," he can
say, "I'm pressed for time right now, but give me the short version now so we
can talk about it tonight."
Couples
can choose to turn toward each other during the mundane activities of life. Instead
of reading the newspaper silently and alone, read the paper together. Instead
of eating in front of the television, sit across from one another at the table
and talk about your day. Simple moments of turning toward one another in these
ways will keep your marriage strong.
Be
Intentional
Professor
William Doherty, family expert and author of the book The Intentional Family
(1997), says couples can stay connected by being intentional about family
life through daily rituals. "The natural drift of family life in contemporary America is toward slowly diminishing connection, meaning, and community . . . . Only the
intentional couple has a fighting chance to maintain and increase its sense of
connection and meaning over the years" (p. 8).
An
intentional family, says Doherty, "is one whose members create a working plan
for maintaining and building family ties, and then implement the plan as best
they can . . . .The intentional family is a ritualizing family" (p. 8).
Doherty
explains that rituals are repeated activities or interactions that are meaningful
to a couple and that offer everyday opportunities for couple bonding. Meals,
morning and bedtime routines, and the comings and goings of spouses can all be made
into rituals of connection. For example, couples might decide that breakfast is
an important time for them. They might create a ritual where they prepare
breakfast together and clean up together. They might make a prayer before each
meal a ritual, including holding hands and a kiss after the "amen."
Couples
will find that if they are intentional about connecting with one another, their
marriage will be stronger and more satisfying.
Be
Positive
Research
shows that spouses who express more positive thoughts and feelings about each
other than negative ones are more satisfied with their marriages, have a lower
risk of divorce, and experience less conflict in their marriage (Gottman &
Levenson, 1992).
Gottman
found that happy couples tend to have a ratio of 5 positives to every 1
negative. Negative interactions include criticism and sarcasm while positive
interactions include saying "I love you," "You look nice today," or "Thank you."
Be
Appreciative
For
many couples, just realizing that they shouldn't take their everyday
interactions for granted makes an enormous difference in their relationship
(Gottman & Silver, 1997). Spouses can show appreciation by saying thank you,
giving a hug, or doing something kind. Expressing appreciation for a spouse's
daily kindnesses makes it more likely he or she will continue those efforts.
Be
Sensitive
It
is important for couples to realize that it's normal to feel drawn to their
spouse at times and to feel like pulling back and reestablishing a sense of
independence at other times. Some people have a greater need for connection,
and others have a greater need for independence. Marriages include a variety of
combinations on this spectrum of connection. A marriage can work as long as
spouses are able to talk about feelings and respect differences.
Conclusion
Sarah
had a PTA meeting in 15 minutes but decided to call Todd to see how his meeting
had gone. He responded in a tired tone, "It's good to hear your voice, dear.
What a day this has been." They talked for only a few moments but finished the
conversation with a quick "I love you."
When
Todd arrived home that evening, Sarah greeted him warmly at the door. They
relaxed together for a few minutes, then Sarah got up to fix dinner while Todd
helped the children with homework. As Sarah was chopping carrots, Todd snuck up
behind her and gave her a hug and kiss on the neck. "Dinner smells wonderful,"
he said.
Later
that evening, they stood at the sink together rinsing the dishes and talking
about the day's activities. In a matter of five minutes, they were interrupted
by two crying children, one teenager with an algebra problem, and one dog
whimpering for leftovers. Before they knew it, the day was over and they were lying
in bed, discussing summer plans. Sarah noticed that Todd was having a hard time
keeping his eyes open. Her initial reaction was to be upset with him for not
being as invested in the discussion as she was, but as she opened her mouth to
express her frustration, she realized how exhausted he was. She sighed, then
whispered in his ear, "We'll finish this conversation tomorrow. Sleep well. I
love you." He drowsily acknowledged her reaction and drifted off to sleep. She
kissed him on the cheek and rolled over, ready for sleep herself.
Like
most couples, Sarah and Todd did not spend numerous magical hours together on
this typical day, but they did share a few positive moments that kept them
connected with one another throughout the day. Their life together is not
perfect, but they are intentional, positive, appreciative, and sensitive to one
another.
Any
couple can learn that daily marriage is full of both difficult and pleasant
things that can either hurt or strengthen a marriage. They can learn to value
their everyday interactions and roll with the bumps and bruises along the way.
As they do, they will find their marriage satisfying, renewing, and nourishing.
Written
by Rachel Loser, Research Assistant, and edited by Stephen F. Duncan,
Professor, School of Family Life, Brigham Young University.
References
Doherty, W. J.
(1997). The intentional family. NY: Harper Collins.
Gottman,
J. M., & Levenson, R. W. (1992). Marital processes predictive of later
dissolution: Behavior, physiology, and health. Journal of Personal and
Social Psychology, 63, 221-233.
Gottman,
J. M., & Silver, N. (1999). The seven principles for making marriage
work. NY: Three Rivers Press.