"She had barely introduced
herself when Brianna and Mackenzie gave her a code name and started calling her
Harriet the Hairy Whore. They told everyone Jenny was hooking up with the boys
in the in the woods behind the soccer field. Jenny knew that being called a
slut was the worst thing in the world, no matter where you lived. No one was
even kissing yet. It was the lowest of the low" (Simmons, 2002, p.26).
Overview of Relational
Bulling
Childhood bullying is often
noticed when physical signs, like bruises and cuts, are present. Although we
generally can see the signs of physical bullying, there are other harmful forms
of bullying that occur in childhood circles. An even more painful type of
bullying is one that hurts a child on the inside. This relational bullying
is a hidden type of aggression ( or hostile behavior) where peers harm "other
through purposeful manipulation and damaging of their peer relationship" (Crick
& Grotpeter, 1995).
Types of Relational
Bullying
1) Stonewalling: The
Silent Treatment:
Stonewalling or the silent
treatment I where people ignore one another. If two children are angry with
another child, they may choose to go about their business, ignoring the other
child completely.
2) Exclusions from the group:
Exclusion from a group is
where a single member can be cut out from all activities and participation in a
group. This is slightly different from the silent treatment, because it goes a
step further from ignoring by making sure a child knows that he or she isn't
allowed in the group.
3) Spreading rumors and
gossip:
Children will often say
things about other people, behind their backs, or even worse within earshot.
Hearing it through the grapevine can easily skew true stories, and ruin
children's reputations.
4) Taunting:
Taunting is another form of
spoken relational bullying, but it's said to a person's face. Taunting
continues and even flourished in the face of distress.
5) Making Friendship
Conditional:
It is often notice when the
phrase, "I'll only be your friend if..." is used. By making friendship
conditional, it makes children overly cautious around their friends; those they
should be most comfortable with.
Why Bullying Continues...
Relational bullying is
something that is difficult for persons outside of the bullying circle to
detect because of the hidden style (it's not physically obvious), but why don't
children do anything about it? Why, if they're being bullied, don't they make
different friends , or tell an adult? The main reason why is that children are
often afraid of being alone. Being lonely as a child is often scarier than
having to friends at all, even if those friends are bullies. Children are often
bullied by the same people whom they call their friends and they will put up
with some taunting and conditionality of a relationship, just to have friends.
Even if they talk to an adult, it's often hard to figure out who is doing the
bullying, because it can easily be a group of people actively or passively
participating in the act.
There are a lot of way that
relational bullying occurs, but where do children learn to act relationally
aggressive? Sadly, the most prominent displays of relational bullying are seen
in the home. Children either watching siblings or parents, may model the
behavior they see and bring it to the playground. If relational bullying is
observed in such forms as gossiping about neighbors, using the silent
treatment, or making love conditional, children may interpret that type of
aggression as an appropriate way to communicate and to relate to other persons.
Children may also see their peers participating in this bullying, see it as
successful, and decide that it's in their favor to follow the example of their
peers.
Relational bullying is
obviously a very big problem, and the best thing to do about problems such as
this is to prevent them. There are many different types of school
interventions, but you as a parent are capable of providing your own personal
prevention program:
Ways to Prevent/Repair
Relational Bullying
1) Have multiple social groups:
One of the simplest
prevention strategies to assist your child in avoiding the damage that comes
from relational bullying is to establish multiple social circles in which your
child participates. Whether your child is participating in a church youth group,
a sports team, or in an art class, these different sources of social
interaction allows a child to establish worth on more than a scholastic social
network.
2) Model appropriate
behavior:
Modeling appropriate behavior
is probably one of the most vital things in the prevention of relational
bullying. If negative behaviors in families (like gossiping and love
conditionality) promote negative behaviors in children, it seems that positive
behaviors in families would promote positive behaviors in children. Make sure
that your family has established a communication pattern of kindness and
inclusion. The phrase "if you can't say something nice, don't say anything as
all" is commonly used in families to teach children that kind words are the
only words that should be spoken one to another.
3) Talk to your child
about empathy:
Just as you should model
appropriate behavior to your children, you should talk to your children about
good pro-social behaviors, the most important being empathy. Empathy, or
feeling and understanding another persons' situation, can be a huge deterrent
to relational bullying.
4) Talk to your child
about bullying:
Using a direct approach and
talking to your child about bullying is also an important way to help stop the
bullying cycle. You and your child can develop a game plan on what to do if
they're being bullied or if other people start bullying someone else. Something
simple as walking away or saying "this isn't fun, lets go play a fame" can be
an easy way to prevent your child from being a part of the bullying cycle.
5) Teaching forgiveness:
Forgiveness is a key
component to breaking the cycle of relational bullying. Things like gossip,
taunting, and stonewalling, usually occur because someone has held a grudge. If
your child learns to forgive other they'll be less hurt by victimization, and
less likely to find reasons to bully others.
6)Developing a strong
sense of self:
Finally, helping your child
develop a strong sense of self can be the most important factor in dealing with
relational bullying. If your child is capable of feeling good about him or
herself then they'll be less hurt by bullying and less likely to bully as a
means for group approval.
Relational bullying is an
important issue to address with your children. By understanding and learning
more about relational bullying, you as a parent can be more capable of
preventing it and repairing issues that may have already occurred. As a parent,
your example is very important for displaying appropriate relationships.
Remember to watch how you interact with others, and how you talk about friends
and neighbors when they're not present. Also, help your child to develop a
strong sense of who they are to deter any negative feedback they receive in a
social environment. These things will help foster a positive outlook for all
children and could prevent the cycle of relational bullying from continuing.
Additional resources
If you need more help there
are plenty of sources dedicated to the prevention of relational bullying. A few
are list below:
http://www.knowledge.offordcentre.com/behaviour/b_testing.html
http://kidshealth.org/teen/your_mind/problems/bullies.html
http://www.girlshealth.gov/bullying/index.htm
http://mentalhealth.samhsa.gov/15plus/parent/
http://www.stopbullyingnow.hrsa.gov
Written by Stephanie
Deverich, Research Assistant, edited by David A. Nelson and Stephen F. Duncan,
Professors in the School of Family Life, Brigham Young University.
References
Crick, N. R., & Grotpeter,
J. K. (1995). Relational aggression, gender, and social-psychological
adjustment. Child Development, 66, 710-722.
Simmons, R. (2002). Odd girl
out. Orlando, FL: Harcourt Books.